Musings of a Thoroughly Idle Mind...

People call me 'Wonderboy' - because I wonder a lot. As they say, "As Idle Mind is the Devil's Workshop" - In my case, when you constantly contrive situations where in you can get into such a high level of idleness where your brain goes into suspended animation, it becomes the Devil's Headquarters, Manufacturing Plant, Weekend retreat, 'Chinna veedu' (for my tamil friends) and much more. As I was revelling in my supreme idle-ic (not to be confused with idyllic) state - I listed down the things I did during this phase (which lasted almost all of last week until now, and probably will cease to exist as I get done with this post).

I had an enlightening discussion with a bright Sardar and a dim Jain on the banks of a beach about religion while on the wrong side of sobriety (I know, Relationships, Politics and Religion should never be discussed esp when in an inebriated state, but if people knew WTF they were doing while being in an inebriated state, they wouldnt be in that state in the first place). You are welcome to curse the dimwit Jain since he wasnt even drinking but was spewing copious amounts of filth disguised as 'gyan'. So, while in my current state of Bored Out Of my Bloody Skull (B.O.O.B.S - technically there is a 'my' in between but you can see that I very cleverly kept the first letter as a small 'm' so that I can spell my state as BOOBS which is way cooler than BOOMBS), I went on a researching spree about all the compost that Dimwit Jain (DJ 'Officer') had uttered. As of now, I have no idea about what DJ Officer was yapping that night but I know a whole lot of Jainism, Thithankars, influence of Jainism on Hinduism and vice versa, history, evolution etc - to what avail I have absolutely no idea.
2) While in B.O.O.B.S - you develop a special relationship with your TV. You understand that it too has its weaknesses and you end up watching even the most retarded of shows the BOOB tube can throw at you (Hey maybe thats why they call it the boob tube). So, as I was maintaining this relationship hoping it wouldnt end up being long-term, I suddenly realised there was a sudden plethora of 'Dance shows' on just about every channel! Reality shows are in anycase intolerable and I pray that anybody who is even remotely associated with any reality show dies a slow and very painful death. Now you have these mental midgets, these God damn fucking defective braincells, developing brain farts where they decide to combine piss poor dancing with a reality show! How I wish I could give all these dipshits toothless smiles! I kept switching channels and as I was being subjected to this monstrosity on every channel, I decided to make a list of shows that absolutely need to be avoided: The following will be useful:
you have "Jhalak Dikhla Jaa" - Jaa, waapas mat aa please!
"Aaja Nachle" - Aa hi mat!
A show with a retarded name that aptly describes its content - 'Boogie Woogie'
"Nach India Nach" and "Nach Baliye" - Just dont watch these shows
"Chak De Bachhe" where they spot and identify colossal idiocy right at a very young age and groom them so that they can grow up to be burdens on society with their pathetic gyrations
"Say Shava Shava" - I wont say it! In fact Id rather say, 'Fuck you you Cocksuckers!'
We have a new piece of garbage - 'Ek Khiladi Ek Hasina"
Since I am a South Indian, I get to be tortured by both the Hindi as well as the regional channels - being a Tamilian, living in A.P and having just finished my college in Karnataka - I am exposed to various forms of South Indian torture - and you realise that all the above unmentionable Dance Reality shows have their regional counterparts as well where the participants look like rabid apes who just escaped from a local zoo.
As if the participants are'nt enough to make you want to contemplate murder, you also have these so called 'Judges' - numbering no less than 3 in every show - where the sole purpose in their pathetic lives is to pass incorrigible incomprehensible comments about the 'performances' and drop their pearls of wisdom (droppings for sure) on how to improve. You have jobless people like Juhi Chawla and other no names who look like they have gotten a chance to show their faces on Television through the SC/ST quota and they have to raise their ridiculous ergonomically designed faggoty placards to show what score they are going to give the participant. For people who do nothing but vomit incessantly on screen why cant they just tell the fucking score instead of going through this elaborate ritual and prolong the torture huh?
And it doesnt end there - apart from these judges, you also have a central character - usually he/she is a washed-up has-been ugly-as-fuck imbecile who has no business showing his or her ugly mugshot on television anyway - a fuckface everyone usually called "Guruji' or "Master" or "Sirjee" or "Dada" or some shit like that. Case in point as below:

You have Saroj Khan - who looks like a cross between Jabba the hut, a beached whale and an elephant with an overdose of Botox. If that fat piece of shit shakes that ass that resembles a country barn on stage to Helen or Madhuri Dixit's songs again, Ill puncture her so she will fly around the studio in fart circles.

Saroj Khan - Free Willy

You have perennial moron Javed Jaffrey who dons one ridiculous hat after another in every episode driving home the point that he is not only a classical Grade-A fool but also dresses up like one so no one makes a mistake.

Javed Jaffrey revealing his Spastic side with his friends

(How I wish I could re-direct those Boogie Woogie punches at their teeth!)

Then we have our very own "Mithun-da" who has been riding his 'Disco Dancer' wave since the beginning of time. This abomination has about 1.5 steps that he has been using for the last 45 years and frankly it looks like he is having a seizure but for some reason he is referred to as the"Master" and "Dada" and his word is the gospel as to who qualifies and who doesnt.

The Regional channels are even worse - you have some geriatric fuckhead whom no one has even heard of and he is more often than not a fat dark fuck, who blabbers, cant dance, dresses ridiculously and wears odd hats - combining the super powers of the above mentioned 3 people.

Now with all these above mentioned factors, you also have a shitcock compere who resembles Ishan Avasti from TZP fame and does all the usual actions like the Devils horns etc and uses all the cliche phrases with utmost exaggeration. And to add to this misery, you have all the usual slow motion of shots of people making shitty faces, old fat farts hugging ugly young people, some random handicapped guy who just shows up in the middle of the show for no reason at all and mind you THIS IS ALWAYS IN SLOW MOTION! (as if the poor chap isnt slow enough in real life, you have to make it even slower, pathetic producers! bastards!), women crying, judges making faces as if they just tasted a spoonful of shit - and all these slow motion stuff is accompanied with that JHA JHAANG!!! DUSH DUSH!! sound of the guitar and drums at the back as if some major catastrophe awaits the viewers when in reality, the only 'REALITY" part of this show is that, your suffering is going to be eased by a miniscule amount because one of pieces of toxic garbage on screen is going to be eliminated so you dont have to see him for the rest of your life (hopefully!)

Socially Conscious People can be irritating...

Ever come across people who walk around as if they are the re-incarnation of the Buddha or Jesus Christ and think they will change the world by preaching their love for all living things etc? Im sure all of you have. These are the kind of people who cant watch suffering in this world and are willing to dedicate the entire lives - not for their upliftment - but entirely to piss the living hell out of all the people around them by re-emphasising repeatedly again and again about how kind-hearted and caring they are and how they actually empathize with the destitute and downtrodden. Such people need to dunked ass first into a bucket of acid! Let me give you an example :-

A bunch of us were having lunch at a restaurant and as is the case often, we ended up ordering a little too much. Atleast the item I ordered was extra and I had a lot of it on my plate and was finding it difficult to finish it. So by the time all of were done, there was some food still left on my plate that I was unable to finish, so I was 'wasting' it. Suddenly Mr.Raja Ram Mohan Roy Theresa Mandela (We will refer to him as CaringHeart) sitting next to me looks at my plate, makes a face only a mother could love and says, "You are wasting that???". I looked at him and said "Yeah. Im too full and cant eat another bite". At this point, Caring heart says "Its not right to waste food! Its wrong!". I looked at him helplessly and said, "I know Caringheart, but unfortunately Im overtly stuffed right now and if I eat another bite Ill probably throw up the last bite and everything else Ive eaten onto your measly face and then, THAT, would really be wasting!". CaringHeart goes "You are not supposed to do that man! Its bad! Do you know how many people are starving in Somalia and Ethiopia???". I lost it. I went "Oh really dipshit?? They really are starving in Somalia and Ethiopia is it?? In that case, Fuckface, do me a favour, why dont you parcel this food that Im wasting here and courier it to them huh?? Since your CaringAss bleeds so badly for them why dont you permanently move there and offer yourself as sacrifice huh? Would save us from lot of horseshit that you keep generating!"

Where the hell do these people mutate from?

Stupid Shit People Say...

It has been a while since my last blog and its almost like I had taken a sabbatical from it. But something suddenly shook me out of my reverie - and it took my favourite subject - "Human Stupidity" to achieve it. I do admit shamefully that I too have partaken in such supreme idiocy. With some of the shit people say, you wonder if God made a mistake by giving them an extra hole in their face. Without further ado, I shall proceed to highlight few fragments of wisdom that have managed to escape people's mouths :

"Jo hota hai Achhe ke liye hota hai" - "Whatever happens, happens for good!"

Sublime variations to the above can be: "Dont worry! Whatever shit has happened, its only because something better will happen later!"

AND THE AWARD FOR THE MOST PATHETIC SENSELESS BULLCRAP COWDUNG PISS-POOR STATEMENT OF THE DAY GOES TO....(see above). What hell does this mean anyway - whatever happens, happens for good? I would like to go to the widow of some Lance Nayak whom nobody has even heard of, who probably died by mistake in friendly fire, and tell this to her? Or how about going and telling this to the wife and children of a guy who just died in a car accident? Or maybe tell this to a husband whose wife is in the last stage of Breast cancer - imagine that? His wife is anyway not going to live for too long and plus her boobs would have to be amputated! Would evoke quite a response wouldnt it? I can kind of predict what kind of a reaction it would - they would gouge out your eyes with a wooden spoon and then shove it down your throat. Better yet, for developing a colossal brain fart and actually uttering such a stupid phrase, maybe you ought to just pull out your tongue and die.

In the recent past I have been the recepient of this phrase numerous times and I have to admit I too mumbled it to myself often and then finally something good happened. So suddenly it was almost like a validation to this abomination of a phrase - sort of like a testimonial. I too switched on into retarded mode and was greatly involved in preaching this fragment of excreta. But it was much later that I realised the apparent foolishness of it all. For say 6 years a guy is getting his balls roasted and his butt punctured and made to slide down a saw with a pencil shoved up his dick and all through he keeps hearing this load of crap and suddenly 6 years later, finally something good happens to him and BOOM! Suddenly every single Nostradamus is on his ass saying "see I told you so!". But for even a ghost of a testimonial to be rendered to this statement:

a) Actually something good has to happen! If nothing good happens, the person just dies and the people probably go - "He was a bum anyway!".

2) The Incident in the Elevator

This has easily got to be the single most irritating, bewildering, amusing and a statement truly worthy of murder anyone has ever told me. A friend of mine and I were returning from lunch. For matters of convenience we shall refer to my friend as "Potty-mouth". So, as I was saying, Pottymouth and I were on our way back from lunch and reached the hostel. We were waiting for the elevator at the ground floor and when it arrived it was empty and we were the only 2 people who got on. As we were travelling up, suddenly the air became so foul that automatically my nose went into involuntary mode and forced an emergency shut down. If a decaying corpse farted after a 10 year diet of cabbage and radish, it would not have smelt this bad! I swear, this shit was so bad, the lift's alarm system almost went off. Later we came to know that about 6-7 people passed out on some of the floors that we passed on our way up. Now, at this point I just made a face almost as foul as the smell and started at him. Brainiac Pottymouth looks at me, makes a face as innocent as the Johnson & Johnson baby and says "It wasnt me!". This kind of a statement puts you into Brainfreeze! There are just 2 people in the elevator, and I know I didnt fart. So who did? Get Sherlock Holmes, Hercule Poirot, Bromkesh Bakshi, Perry Mason in here! This is going to be a tough one. I dont know the sequence of events after that but I recall a lot of violence and me trying to shove my hand own his throat and trying to turn him inside out because such idiotic statements should be considered illegal.

Phew - Time for a break - will be back with more rants shortly....