I Do Not Wash My Hands After Using a Public Washroom!

I do not wash my hands after using a public/common restroom. Yes, I do not and I never will. Most good samaritan fine citizens would immediately cringe at this and say "chee chee" or "dude! thats gross" or some other fantastic phrase like that. But first let me explain.

I walk into a public restroom, pull my dick out of my pants and take a leak. Im holding MY dick. Its MY dick and I know exactly where its been. Whether its been in my right hand or inside some super hot woman (its always one of the two I guarantee), I am the sole owner of my member and I have a complete detailed report on where its been. But on the other hand, I have no information whatsoever on where the other dicks have been. The guy pissing litres of urine standing next to me while whistling the tune from the Hutch ad could have just had sex with a Pug or something. I have absolutely no idea where any of the other dicks in the restroom, except for my own, have been. Its not something I want to contemplate, but its certainly a risk I do not wish to take! For all you know, the last 5 people who were grabbing their dicks and then went to wash their hands could have had sex with a rabid dog, had anal sex with a Hepatitis patient, gotten a blowjob from a Eunuch behind the railway station, received a handjob from a lepper or could have multiple warts on their scrotum and shaft, or been in an orgy with multiple hamsters, in no particular order.

Now all of these people use the tap in the public restroom to 'WASH THEIR HANDS' so they can be CLEAN! Me? No thank you. I trust my dick a lot more than I trust yours (even though most times he doesnt obey me and also overrules my brain). Hence, I grab my dick, I piss and I walk out without washing my hands because I stay cleaner and safer that way! Think about it!

P.S - This obviously doesnt apply to restrooms with that sensor shit in the washbasin where you have to perform a Tai Chi dance below the nozzle before the water starts flowing and then stops right when you are about to start washing properly.

The Wisdom of Ravan...(an excerpt)

Ravan abducted Lord Ram’s wife, a crime for which he was killed by Ram himself. So says the Ramayan. The epic makes Ravan the archetypical villain. And since Ram is God for most Hindus, Ravan’s actions make him the Devil incarnate. This justifies the annual burning of his effigy on the Gangetic plains during the festival of Dussehra.

But in the hills of Rishikesh or in the temple of Rameshwaram, one hears that tale of how Ram atoned for the sin of killing Ravan. Why should God atone for killing a villain? One realises that like most things Hindu, the Ramayan is not as simple an epic as some are eager to believe.
Ravan was a brahmin, the son of Rishi Vaishrava, grandson of Pulatsya. Ram, though God incarnate, was born in the family of kshatriyas. In the caste hierarchy, Ram was of lower rank. As a brahmin, Ravan was the custodian of Brahma-gyan (the knowledge of God). Killing him meant Brahma-hatya-paap, the sin of Brahminicide, that Ram had to wash away through penance and prayer. Another reason why this atonement was important was because Ravan was Ram’s guru.

The story goes that after shooting the fatal arrow on the battlefield of Lanka, Ram told his brother, Lakshman, “Go to Ravan quickly before he dies and request him to share whatever knowledge he can. A brute he may be, but he is also a great scholar”. The obedient Lakshman rushed across the battlefield to Ravan’s side and whispered in his ears, “Demon-king, do not let your knowledge die with you. Share it with us and wash away your sins”. Ravan responded by simply turning away. An angry Lakshman went back to Ram, “He is as arrogant as he always was, too proud to share anything”. Ram comforted his brother and asked him softly, “Where did you stand while asking Ravan for knowledge?” “Next to his head so that I hear what he had to say clearly”. Ram smiled, placed his bow on the ground and walked to where Ravan lay. Lakshman watched in astonishment as his divine brother knelt at Ravan’s feet. With palms joined, and with extreme humility, Ram said, “Lord of Lanka, you abducted my wife, a terrible crime for which I have been forced to punish you. Now you are no more my enemy. I bow to you and request you to share your wisdom with me. Please do that for if you die without doing so, all your wisdom will be lost forever to the world”. To Lakshman’s surprise, Ravan opened his eyes and raised his arms to salute Ram, “If only I had more time as your teacher than as your enemy. Standing at my feet as a student should, unlike your rude younger brother, you are a worthy recipient of my knowledge. I have very little time so I cannot share much but let me tell you one important lesson I have learnt in my life. Things that are bad for you seduce you easily; you run towards them impatiently. But things that are actually good for you fail to attract you; you shun them creatively, finding powerful excuses to justify your procrastination. That is why I was impatient to abduct Sita but avoided meeting you. This is the wisdom of my life, Ram. My last words. I give it to you”. After these words, Ravan died.

With 10 heads, 20 arms, a flying chariot and a city of gold, the mighty Ravan is without doubt a flamboyant villain. His sexual prowess was legendary.
When Hanuman entered Lanka in search of Sita, he found the Demon-lord lying in bed surrounded by a bevy of beauties, women who had willingly abandoned their husbands. Ram, by comparison, seems boring — a rule-upholder who never does anything spontaneous or dramatic.
He is the obedient son, always doing the right thing, never displaying a roving eye or a winsome smile. It is not difficult, therefore, to be a fan of Ravan, to be seduced by his power, to be enchanted by his glamour, and to find arguments that justify his actions.
One can’t help but wonder: Why does the poet Valmiki go out of his way to make his villain so admirable, so seductive, so enchanting?
Valmiki describes Ravan as the greatest devotee of Shiva. In many folk versions of the epic, such as Ram-kathas and Ram-kiritis, we are informed that Ravan composed the Rudra Stotra in praise of Shiva, the ascetic-God. He designed the lute known as Rudra-Veena using one of his 10 heads as the lute’s gourd, one of his arms as the beam and his nerves as the strings. The image of Ravan carrying Mount Kailash, with Shiva’s family on top, is an integral part of Shiva temple art.
Perhaps, say some scholars, this expresses the legendary battle between Shiva-worshippers and Vishnu-worshippers. Ram, who is Vishnu on earth, kills Ravan who is Shiva’s devotee.
But this argument falls flat when one is also told that Ram’s trusted ally, Hanuman, is a form of Shiva himself. Valmiki is clearly conveying a more profound idea by calling Ravan a devotee of Shiva. And to understand this thought we have to dig a bit deeper.
Shiva is God embodying the principle of vairagya, absolute detachment. He demonstrates his disdain for all things material by smearing his body with ash and living in crematoriums. The material world does not matter to him. Ravan may be his great devotee; he may sing Shiva’s praise and worship Shiva every day, but he does not follow the path of Shiva.
In reality, Ravan stands for everything that Shiva rejects. Ravan is fully attached to worldly things. He always wants what others have. He never built the city of gold — he drove out his brother, Kuber, and took over the kingdom of Lanka. Why did he abduct Sita? Avenging his sister’s mutilation was but an excuse. The real reason was his desire to conquer the heart of a faithful wife. And during the war, he let his sons brothers die before entering the battlefield himself.
Ravan has 10 pairs of eyes, which means he can see more. Ravan has 10 sets of arms, which means he can do more. Ravan has 10 heads, which means he can think more. And yet, this man with a superior body and superior mind submits to the basest of passions.

Despite knowing the Vedas and worshipping Shiva, he remains a slave of his senses and a victim of his own ego. He arrogantly shows off his knowledge of detachment but is not wise enough to practice detachment. Deluded, he gives only lip-service to Shiva. This pretender is, therefore, killed by Ram, who, like Shiva, is another form of God.

Dussera is nothing but the killing of a very wise, charismatic, talented and amazing individual. Hence I refuse to celebrate it. Id much rather just call it Vijayadasami and celebrate it by reading 2-3 lines out of every book on the pooja table and playing 2 lines on the various instruments.

Terrorism...with a twist

Before you go about assuming this is again one of those opinionated soul searching diatribes about terrorism and its evils, let me get one thing straight. This is nothing to do with that kind of terrorism. I am talking about 'Mental Terrorism'.
Men.tal Ter.ror.ism [men tal ter-uh-riz-uh-m] - noun. 1) The use of extreme stupidity or idiocy or threats of exhibiting maximum retardation to coerce or suppress others, could be for any reason

I have been regularly oppressed by mental terrorism through all walks of my life. The latest being my 2 year tryst with my MBA college where big time supremos and leaders of major terrorist organisations practiced extreme guerilla warfare while unleashing detonations (also knows as 'statements' in this case) on us unsuspecting fellow class-mates and subjecting them to unconditional surrender for lack of any response. I shall highlight a few examples in the following paragraphs.
The entire class was innocently sitting, minding its own business, paying as little attention as possible to the professor who was avidly discussing a case that nobody gave a fuck about! We normal people sitting in the back of the class preaching the below picture:

An interesting factoid that is worth noting here is that almost all mental terrorists usually occupy the front benches and attack so that the detonation can have maximum dissemination.
So while this wonderful case which ranked a ZERO on the "Giveafuckometer" was being discussed, a supremely skilled mental terrorist suddenly launched a massive attack by saying "But ma'am! I think the manager for trying to SOOTHIFY the employees!". While the rest of us were still recovering from this moronous attack, he followed it up with an even more powerful detonation - "I think SOOTHIFICATION is the key to preventing a strike!". No shit Einstein! I am a tamilian, come down here to the back row and I will introduce you to whole new level of soothification - tamilian style (my tamilian friends should get this one).

This next attack was pure guerilla style - by a mental terrorist who definitely measured 2 x 2 x 2 and could easily be disguised as a sphere on all planes. This sadistic moron decided to unleash her attack on the class at the most inopportune moment - when she wasnt even asked to do so or even asked for her opinion. A professor asked us to define 'statistics'. The rest of the population was still considering what answer to give when this high qualified mental terrorist who claimed to be a statistics major and having received highest levels of training in all attack forms in that domain, decided to unleash a suicide bomb mental attack on the class. Her response "Sir, statistics is the method of collecting and putting numbers and figures together and then statistically trying to make something out of it". WTF?? WTF kind of a piss-poor response is that? This terrorist who was the product of a broken condom and a failed abortion terrorized half the class into passing out with her sheer skill in stupidity. Suicide attack. Why? Because the professor coolly went "Hot Air Balloon!" - which aptly described the terrorist's physical appearance.

Watch this space....more to come :)

Obscene Bachchans charged with indecency!

Mumbai, April 29th: In a shocking new development, the Bachchans have finally been charged with Indecent behaviour in public. While there have been multiple occasions in the past where the Bachchan family outght to have been found guilty of such improper conduct, this time their collective effort at indecency and idiocy has finally brought about this charge. When our correspondent caught up with Bachchan Sr, he made the following comment "I have been repeatedly trying to establish the fact that I am a bonafide moron but the public did not register the fact. I even made a plethora of movies like Toofan, Ajooba, Aks & BOOM to cement my legacy as the longest standing idiot in Indian Cinema but was unable to make a dent". Bachchan Sr. is now glad that he has finally been able to achieve his long time dream of proving to the world that the entire Bachchan clan is full of thoughtless incompetents.

(The Bachchans collectively displaying their stupidity
in public to put all speculation to rest)

"I am so glad that I was able to beam and grin so idiotically while being indecent" added a visibly ecstatic Aishwarya Rai. Bachchan Jr. on the other hand was far les jubiliant. "While I was unable to fully contribute to this momentous occasion with a foolish expression, I nonetheless am glad that I atleast was able to wear a t-shirt that 80% of the population would not want to be found dead in" said a smug looking Bachchan Jr before running off to sign a 4 part sequel to his immensely intolerable Drona. The only member of the clan who was unable establish her foolishness with the Bachchan patended "Public Middle Finger Salute" was Jaya Bachchan. "Though I do apologize for not being able to participate in the proceedings with complete actions and expressions, I nonetheless made up for it with my now famous 'Idiot' smile that completely catches the viewer unaware whether Im having diarrhoea or constipation or whether Im having a seizure or whether Im just downright ugly" chirped a proud Jaya Bachchan before running away singing "Ek Doosre se, Karte hai pyar hum" with both her middle fingers raised high above her head.

(Bachchan Sr re-emphasizing his act

of idiotic obscenity to ensure no errors this time)

This well thought out action by the entire Bachchan family finally provides Bachchan senior with the recognition that he has sought ever since he started spotting the ridiculous white french beard and black hair.

Testiclemonials...

Social Networking Sites are awesome, I have to admit. I have been able to find a large number of my friends from the past. But Im not one of those crazy ass lunatics who plan the rest of their day around the time they would be spending on Orkut or Facebook etc. While these sites do have their advantages, they have their share of faults as well. In this case, the most glaring fault is the feature of a Testimonial that one person can write for another. I do not have a problem with a decently written testimonial but there should actually be a screening system where-in only tolarable testimonials should be allowed and this decision should not be left to either the writer or the receiver of the testimonial. When vermins are allowed to write testimonials for cretins and the cretins actually accept them, then it becomes a serious shithole as you are subjected to that garbage on the person's profile page everytime you visit it. I know the usual retort the retards come up with at such times is the very original "If you dont like it, just ignore it! Dont read it!". Well, Im sorry, I cant ignore it because it hurts and makes me want to gouge my eyes out and pull out my tongue and die everytime I see that testimonial that you have written/accepted. When I see such mentally challenged testimonials I wonder who is the bigger idiot of the 2 - the writer or the acceptor? I have posted a few testimonials - I prefer calling them 'Testiclemonials" since I feel it is more appropriate - to give a clearer picture. The names have been withheld because I do not wish to reveal whose supreme idiocy was behind these testiclemonials. These testiclemonials have been written by people for each other i.e FITH has written it for FUBAR and FUBAR for FITH, ARSEBANDIT has written it for IMAFUCK and IMAFUCK for ARSEBANDIT. We shall analyze these very insightful posts.

Testiclemonial #1 : From FUBAR to FITH
Ms.FITH is an amazing girl (Virgo or Libra.by Sunsign) and good human being. She has been my good friend from the day one (Although she considers me boring) and she has always been there to help me. Ever since I remember she is been a loving, caring and most importantly most torturing buddy who keep saying that she hates me and I am boring too. … But actually she loves me a lot and I know that …. What u say??? She is the one person who'll actually make u realize that actions speak louder than words (She is TT champ and gr8 Leader too (Sports.. Goonj) ). She is not the type who easily gets attached to people (Like me) … but once she is with u.. She will be with u thruout her life.. Overall a great person to be with (especially on dinner ….. always American chopsy and Kali Dal (non-spicy)) ….. one more thing she too tries to pull my leg……but all in vain ha… ha… ha.. she ends up getting pulled!!! At last she is is very innocent ( atleast looks tat way!! ). Well very stupid too……….. Thanks for being there !!

Analysis: ‘Ms.FITH is an amazing girl (Virgo or Libra by Sunsign) – I guess for some reason Ms.Fith having been born in the months of Sep/Oct automatically makes her amazing – and good human being (grammar be damned, she is good human being! as in good stuff, good material, good music – ‘Human being has been reduced to a genre!) and she has always been there to help me - Im not surprised at all at this one. Considering your stellar composition, Im sure you fall flat on the floor multiple times and bounce off all the walls before you are able to find your way out of a room.

Ever since I remember she is been a loving, caring and most importantly most torturing buddy who keep saying that she hates me and I am boring too. … Although this entire paragraph is a systematic genocide of the English language, this line takes the cake! Im sure she is been as loving and caring an most torturing as You Is Been a bumbling moron with an IQ of an ashtray!
But actually she loves me a lot and I know that …. What u say??? – What u say? Are you asking me or her? If you are asking me, then I would like to say ‘Eat shit and die!’ She says she hates you, you’ve already admitted that she calls you boring (I wont disagree at all) more than once – but you KNOW she loves you and yet you ask ‘What u say?’ AAAARRRGGHH!!! How the hell do people even come up with this shit!

She is not the type who easily gets attached to peopleJ(Sports.. Goonj) – Phew that’s a relief, considering her testimonial to you, which is coming up next is another exercise in desecrating a language (Like me) - Even bigger relief… but once she is with u.. She will be with u thruout her life (like AIDS or Cancer! – not a good idea, not a good idea at all).. Overall a great person to be with (especially on dinner ….. always American chopsy and Kali Dal (non-spicy)) – ON dinner? A great person to be with ON dinner – American Chopsy and Kali Dal (non-spicy)?? Since you are ON dinner with her anyway, Im assuming this is your pathetic way of bringing to the notice of the world that your boring idiotic self is sensitive enough to even remember her choice of food items. one more thing she too tries to pull my leg……but all in vain ha… ha… ha.. she ends up getting pulled!!! At last she is is very innocent ( atleast looks tat way!! ). Well very stupid too……….. Thanks for being there !! – Beautiful, just beautiful. After subjecting the unsuspecting reader to such medieval torture, you have finally established the fact that she is very stupid. Im surprised this doesn’t have that usual phrase “(Like me)” accompanying this since it is quite obvious you are too. For coming up with such complete scumcock piece of shit testimonial, someone needs to tie you to a tree and read your own testimonial to you again while whipping you on the head with a rubber dildo at the end of every line!

TESTIMONIAL #2: From FITH to FUBAR
Mr.FUBAR...M&M fan...it seems, he lives with it all the time...his everything is M & M only (NOT EVEN A GAL )....Mr PJ King....I must say...his pj's are world worst pj's..I don't know from where he get these ideas....sometimes really intolerable...anyways that about his not so bad..oops I mean not so good sense of humor...now lets come to atul as a person...He is really a big time moody (MIND IT, PANGA SOCH SAMAJ KE LENA)..I can't make out how he'll react to what i say...on the contrary..very helpful, caring, understanding ( ??????? ) n moreover my supporter here at COLLEGE....in studies...thanks for being my friend Mr.ABC....n always be like this so that one day I come to know why are u so ajib sa at times (AJIB SA BAHUT HI AJIB SA )...he he he..just kidding..always there for u...take care....hey i forgot one thing...his best timepass...to bugg people especially ( I GUESS NOW ITS ONLY) me I am sure....

Analysis: Mr.FUBAR...M&M fan...it seems, he lives with it all the time...his everything is M & M only (NOT EVEN A GAL )....Hmm, if the most significant aspect about a person is the fact that he is an M&M “FAN”, that does say a lot. He is an EMPLOYEE moron and in this current economic scenario considering his enormous mental handicap, he requires to “live with it” all the time and it has to be his everything for him to be able to hold on to his job even under the mentally challenged quota! And considering YOU are the GAL, I think the choice is so much more easier!
Mr PJ King....I must say...his pj's are world worst pj's..I don't know from where he get these ideas....sometimes really intolerable...anyways that about his not so bad..oops I mean not so good sense of humor...now lets come to FUBAR as a person...World Worst PJs – no comments necessary. I don’t know from where he get these ideas, I don’t know from where you gets these ideas either – both are really intolerable. The next line is Ms.FITH’s pathetic attempt at trying to be humorous, I think. I guess Ill force a smile at the “his not so bad…oops not so good sense of humour”. What the fuck is she actually trying to convey by this line in the first place? And finally, after dragging us a mile of scum, she takes us to what FUBAR is as a person.
He is really a big time moody (MIND IT, PANGA SOCH SAMAJ KE LENA).. (Someone ought to take a king size bat to your head purely for this line! You need to be strapped to a chair and beaten across the face repeatedly with a lead pipe for coming up with some crap like this!
I can't make out how he'll react to what i say... (Im not surprised at all! With the kind of horseshit that you generate no one can make out how they will react. I would guess and prefer violently!)
on the contrary..very helpful, caring, understanding ( ??????? ) (if anyone can explain the existence of these multiple question marks be my guest, to me looks like goose droppings on a pile a shit) n moreover my supporter here at COLLEGE....in studies...thanks for being my friend Mr.FUBAR....n always be like this so that one day I come to know why are u so ajib sa at times (AJIB SA BAHUT HI AJIB SA )...he he he..just kidding..always there for u...take care....hey i forgot one thing...his best timepass...to bugg people especially ( I GUESS NOW ITS ONLY) me I am sure.... I am seriously at a loss for words. Gasp! Cough Cough! Oh my God! The idiocy….its suffocating….cant breathe!…help….someone contain this Concentration Camp Gas Chamber of dung…wheeze! Wheeze!…everything is going dark, cant take much more of this garbage…..Swoon!

Since I passed out at the end of the previous testiclemonial, I am unable to provide an indepth analysis for the following two testimonials between ARSEBANDIT and IMAFUCK. I will leave you to read it and analyze it for me and if you have the time, kindly post your analysis as a comment and I shall be eternally grateful to you for your contribution.

Testimonial #3 - From ARSEBANDIT to IMAFUCK

I was stuck in a tunnel searching for light and path when she came and showed me the way to a beautiful world. The route though has been heavenly for me though I feel I made it hell for her on most of the occasion for I am always unable to match her expectation and make some blunder in anger and desperation. I am also not sure of the obstacles on the way here on. I always admire her for her dedication, precision, and knack to perform outstanding in every task: academics, dance, analysis, working on B-plan etc and above all the way we fight over silly things. I have been learning from this beautiful guru, the list has been long; some are to handle the ill feelings in me of underestimating myself , being very possessive, being in-patient, pressure handling and above all understanding that life is not all about work and time is not always too less. Ms.IMAFUCK, believe me I have understood that society, close friend and above all family needs time and one must not take them for granted to repent later. keep smiling:)

Testimonial #4: From IMAFUCK to ARSEBANDIT
Mr.ARSEBANDIT! One can write loads about him but i think he wont like me write loads on him. well, he is very committed to his work and puts work before anythign and everything. always has a tension & i dont know why, he always thinks that time is less!!! he is a great minute-to-minute no-no second-to-second counter. works in a very organised manner. is always upto doing something new. precisely, likes to do things above and beyond Academics. he has this special mantra of "Everything reverts back" and i am one of those (to his bad luck) who makes his mantra come practically true. I guess, i shouldnt be writing more. Wishing you all the very best in all the endeavours of your life. May you succeed in every walk and remember "____ is NOT CRAP!" You got it right???

I shall post my own analysis to these in a short while - when I come to.

Musings of a Thoroughly Idle Mind...

People call me 'Wonderboy' - because I wonder a lot. As they say, "As Idle Mind is the Devil's Workshop" - In my case, when you constantly contrive situations where in you can get into such a high level of idleness where your brain goes into suspended animation, it becomes the Devil's Headquarters, Manufacturing Plant, Weekend retreat, 'Chinna veedu' (for my tamil friends) and much more. As I was revelling in my supreme idle-ic (not to be confused with idyllic) state - I listed down the things I did during this phase (which lasted almost all of last week until now, and probably will cease to exist as I get done with this post).

I had an enlightening discussion with a bright Sardar and a dim Jain on the banks of a beach about religion while on the wrong side of sobriety (I know, Relationships, Politics and Religion should never be discussed esp when in an inebriated state, but if people knew WTF they were doing while being in an inebriated state, they wouldnt be in that state in the first place). You are welcome to curse the dimwit Jain since he wasnt even drinking but was spewing copious amounts of filth disguised as 'gyan'. So, while in my current state of Bored Out Of my Bloody Skull (B.O.O.B.S - technically there is a 'my' in between but you can see that I very cleverly kept the first letter as a small 'm' so that I can spell my state as BOOBS which is way cooler than BOOMBS), I went on a researching spree about all the compost that Dimwit Jain (DJ 'Officer') had uttered. As of now, I have no idea about what DJ Officer was yapping that night but I know a whole lot of Jainism, Thithankars, influence of Jainism on Hinduism and vice versa, history, evolution etc - to what avail I have absolutely no idea.
2) While in B.O.O.B.S - you develop a special relationship with your TV. You understand that it too has its weaknesses and you end up watching even the most retarded of shows the BOOB tube can throw at you (Hey maybe thats why they call it the boob tube). So, as I was maintaining this relationship hoping it wouldnt end up being long-term, I suddenly realised there was a sudden plethora of 'Dance shows' on just about every channel! Reality shows are in anycase intolerable and I pray that anybody who is even remotely associated with any reality show dies a slow and very painful death. Now you have these mental midgets, these God damn fucking defective braincells, developing brain farts where they decide to combine piss poor dancing with a reality show! How I wish I could give all these dipshits toothless smiles! I kept switching channels and as I was being subjected to this monstrosity on every channel, I decided to make a list of shows that absolutely need to be avoided: The following will be useful:
you have "Jhalak Dikhla Jaa" - Jaa, waapas mat aa please!
"Aaja Nachle" - Aa hi mat!
A show with a retarded name that aptly describes its content - 'Boogie Woogie'
"Nach India Nach" and "Nach Baliye" - Just dont watch these shows
"Chak De Bachhe" where they spot and identify colossal idiocy right at a very young age and groom them so that they can grow up to be burdens on society with their pathetic gyrations
"Say Shava Shava" - I wont say it! In fact Id rather say, 'Fuck you you Cocksuckers!'
We have a new piece of garbage - 'Ek Khiladi Ek Hasina"
Since I am a South Indian, I get to be tortured by both the Hindi as well as the regional channels - being a Tamilian, living in A.P and having just finished my college in Karnataka - I am exposed to various forms of South Indian torture - and you realise that all the above unmentionable Dance Reality shows have their regional counterparts as well where the participants look like rabid apes who just escaped from a local zoo.
As if the participants are'nt enough to make you want to contemplate murder, you also have these so called 'Judges' - numbering no less than 3 in every show - where the sole purpose in their pathetic lives is to pass incorrigible incomprehensible comments about the 'performances' and drop their pearls of wisdom (droppings for sure) on how to improve. You have jobless people like Juhi Chawla and other no names who look like they have gotten a chance to show their faces on Television through the SC/ST quota and they have to raise their ridiculous ergonomically designed faggoty placards to show what score they are going to give the participant. For people who do nothing but vomit incessantly on screen why cant they just tell the fucking score instead of going through this elaborate ritual and prolong the torture huh?
And it doesnt end there - apart from these judges, you also have a central character - usually he/she is a washed-up has-been ugly-as-fuck imbecile who has no business showing his or her ugly mugshot on television anyway - a fuckface everyone usually called "Guruji' or "Master" or "Sirjee" or "Dada" or some shit like that. Case in point as below:

You have Saroj Khan - who looks like a cross between Jabba the hut, a beached whale and an elephant with an overdose of Botox. If that fat piece of shit shakes that ass that resembles a country barn on stage to Helen or Madhuri Dixit's songs again, Ill puncture her so she will fly around the studio in fart circles.

Saroj Khan - Free Willy

You have perennial moron Javed Jaffrey who dons one ridiculous hat after another in every episode driving home the point that he is not only a classical Grade-A fool but also dresses up like one so no one makes a mistake.

Javed Jaffrey revealing his Spastic side with his friends

(How I wish I could re-direct those Boogie Woogie punches at their teeth!)

Then we have our very own "Mithun-da" who has been riding his 'Disco Dancer' wave since the beginning of time. This abomination has about 1.5 steps that he has been using for the last 45 years and frankly it looks like he is having a seizure but for some reason he is referred to as the"Master" and "Dada" and his word is the gospel as to who qualifies and who doesnt.

The Regional channels are even worse - you have some geriatric fuckhead whom no one has even heard of and he is more often than not a fat dark fuck, who blabbers, cant dance, dresses ridiculously and wears odd hats - combining the super powers of the above mentioned 3 people.

Now with all these above mentioned factors, you also have a shitcock compere who resembles Ishan Avasti from TZP fame and does all the usual actions like the Devils horns etc and uses all the cliche phrases with utmost exaggeration. And to add to this misery, you have all the usual slow motion of shots of people making shitty faces, old fat farts hugging ugly young people, some random handicapped guy who just shows up in the middle of the show for no reason at all and mind you THIS IS ALWAYS IN SLOW MOTION! (as if the poor chap isnt slow enough in real life, you have to make it even slower, pathetic producers! bastards!), women crying, judges making faces as if they just tasted a spoonful of shit - and all these slow motion stuff is accompanied with that JHA JHAANG!!! DUSH DUSH!! sound of the guitar and drums at the back as if some major catastrophe awaits the viewers when in reality, the only 'REALITY" part of this show is that, your suffering is going to be eased by a miniscule amount because one of pieces of toxic garbage on screen is going to be eliminated so you dont have to see him for the rest of your life (hopefully!)

Socially Conscious People can be irritating...

Ever come across people who walk around as if they are the re-incarnation of the Buddha or Jesus Christ and think they will change the world by preaching their love for all living things etc? Im sure all of you have. These are the kind of people who cant watch suffering in this world and are willing to dedicate the entire lives - not for their upliftment - but entirely to piss the living hell out of all the people around them by re-emphasising repeatedly again and again about how kind-hearted and caring they are and how they actually empathize with the destitute and downtrodden. Such people need to dunked ass first into a bucket of acid! Let me give you an example :-

A bunch of us were having lunch at a restaurant and as is the case often, we ended up ordering a little too much. Atleast the item I ordered was extra and I had a lot of it on my plate and was finding it difficult to finish it. So by the time all of were done, there was some food still left on my plate that I was unable to finish, so I was 'wasting' it. Suddenly Mr.Raja Ram Mohan Roy Theresa Mandela (We will refer to him as CaringHeart) sitting next to me looks at my plate, makes a face only a mother could love and says, "You are wasting that???". I looked at him and said "Yeah. Im too full and cant eat another bite". At this point, Caring heart says "Its not right to waste food! Its wrong!". I looked at him helplessly and said, "I know Caringheart, but unfortunately Im overtly stuffed right now and if I eat another bite Ill probably throw up the last bite and everything else Ive eaten onto your measly face and then, THAT, would really be wasting!". CaringHeart goes "You are not supposed to do that man! Its bad! Do you know how many people are starving in Somalia and Ethiopia???". I lost it. I went "Oh really dipshit?? They really are starving in Somalia and Ethiopia is it?? In that case, Fuckface, do me a favour, why dont you parcel this food that Im wasting here and courier it to them huh?? Since your CaringAss bleeds so badly for them why dont you permanently move there and offer yourself as sacrifice huh? Would save us from lot of horseshit that you keep generating!"

Where the hell do these people mutate from?