Douchebag Questions from Douchebags!!

While I sit and prepare for my placement interviews in complete earnest with the hope that come D-Day, I manage to slit a few throats, lock some people up in their hostel rooms from the outside, run over a couple more etc, elminate whatever competition I can and actually manage to land a job, I came across a few questions which I needed to have ready made answers. One of these questions were "What do you have to offer that would make us hire you?". As I went through my carefully rehearsed bullshit about how I have had a lot of exposure interacting closely with people from different continents, knowing different work cultures etc - when it suddenly hit me - "What is God's name have I actually gained from these 'extremely enlightening interactions?" and I decided to actually think about it and pen them down. The good things I will speak about in my interview, the crappy things are reserved for my blog. So here are some of the things that I noticed are common among idiots in any continent -
1) Photography - When you are out with friends and you want to take a picture of all of you together, you call a stranger standing closeby and give him your camera asking him to click a picture. At this point the stranger takes the camera from you and looks at you and goes
Question: "Which button do I press? This one??"
Answer that I would like to give: "No Einstein! The button is up your ass, so why dont you shove your head up your anus and look for the button and press it!"
Why the hell do people ask that question? You always have to press the button on the top right of the camera where it has been SINCE THE BEGINNING OF TIME!

2) Ever notice that when you go and knock on the door and when the person opens it and looks at you in your entirety and goes
Q: "Oh! Its you??"
Answer that I would like to give: "No dipshit! Im Goobah, the One-eyed dumb cripple from Turkmenistan with the dyslexic parents and Im here on a mission to convert you to Zorastrianism"
But more than likely I just end up with a "Yeah! Its me, isnt that amazing" or a little better with "Come on! You must be dreaming, it isnt me!"
Why do people actually say this? Truthfully speaking, this is said most often by my mother but I certainly cant say any of those things to her, so I pucker up and respond with the usual "Yes Ma, its me! Whats for lunch?"

3) Relatives: No matter what I do, whether Im seeing them after few days, few months or few years, and whether I have hogged everything under the sun and have bloated like beached whale, to them its always
Question: "OMG OMG OMG! Youve lost weight! Youve become so thin! Why dont you eat more?"
Answer: "I would chitti/athai/aunty but looking at how splendidly youve managed to gain weight in all the wrong places, I dont think I would have much left"

Add on to this: If you are actually having lunch at their place, then its the same routine - revised edition. After I have already mauled through 23 dosas and my chitti/athai/aunty come up and say "Do you want more?" and when I refuse, their standard answer "Oh come on! A young boy like you can certainly have more! Dont be shy! Here..take this" and proceeds to place another 3-4 on my plate. Why even bother asking me this question in the first place when you are already pre-determined to shove the remaining dosas down my throat, with a plunger if necessary. And on top of that, the question is iced with the phrase "Dont feel shy"...WTF. When it comes to home cooked food in anyone's house, Im not shy, Im far from it - infact I develop that cadaverous look, my eyes sink into their sockets, I start salivating and drooling all over my t-shirt and start eating with both hands (on one occasion even took a chapati from the plate with my foot). Im a barbaric bastard when it comes to eating, especially at other people's houses, yet after plundering through 23 dosas without even considering whether there are enough left for the other members of the house (actually if the other members of the house include some random fat retarded kid who is a TSB (the ones who need to get this will get it (Wow! A bracket inside a bracket inside a bracket)) Ill make sure that I hog more than necessary just to make sure the fat fuck doesnt have enough left), Im shy.
Ok - I guess Ill stop here - blabbering might go out of control from here on.....